Time Heals ?

Time Heals?

It didn’t!!

Paradox of man and woman

In the game of chase:

When woman is over eager, man loses interest.
When woman is too cold, man loses interest.

When man acts possessive, woman runs away.
When man is nonchalent, woman turns to another man.

Bottomline: chill if you are over eager; warm up if u r too cold. relax if you are over possessive; show more feelings if you are nonchalent.

CoCo Chanel

Gabrielle Bonheur “Coco” Chanel (19 August 1883 – 10 January 1971)^[1] was a pioneering French fashion designer whose modernist philosophy, menswear-inspired fashions, and pursuit of expensive simplicity made her an important figure in 20th-century fashion. Her extraordinary influence on haute couture was such that she was the only person in the field to be named on TIME Magazine’s 100 most influential people of the 20th century.^[2]

//

Early life

Chanel was born on August 19, 1883. She was the second daughter of traveling salesman Albert Chanel and Jeanne Devolle in the small city of Saumur, Maine-et-Loire. Coco was born in a poorhouse. Her birth was recorded the following day. Two employees of the hospice went to city hall and declared the child of feminine gender. The hospice employees were illiterate, so when the mayor François Poitu wrote down the birth, no one knew how to spell Chanel so the mayor improvised and recorded it with an “s,” making it Chasnel. This misspelling made the tracing of her roots almost impossible for biographers when Chanel later rose to prominence. Her parents married in 1883. She had five siblings:two sisters, Julian (1882-1913) and Antoinette (born 1887) and three brothers, Alphonse (born 1885), Lucien (born 1889) and Peter (born and died 1891). In 1895, when she was 12 years old, Chanel’s mother died of tuberculosis and her father left the family a short time later because he needed to work to raise his children. Because of his work, the young Chanel spent seven years in the orphanage of the Roman Catholic monastery of Aubazine, where she learned the trade of a seamstress. School vacations were spent with relatives in the provincial capital, where female relatives taught Coco to sew with more flourish than the nuns at the monastery were able to demonstrate. When Coco turned eighteen, she left the orphanage, and took up work for a local tailor.

Hat by Gabrielle Chanel, 1912. Published in Les Modes.

While working at a tailoring shop she met and soon began an affair with the French playboy and millionaire Étienne Balsan who lavished her with the beauties of “the rich life,” diamonds, dresses and pearls. While living with Balsan, Chanel began designing hats as a hobby, which soon became a deeper interest of hers. After opening her eyes, as she would say, Coco left Balsan and took over his apartment in Paris. In 1913, she opened up her very first shop which sold a range of fashionable raincoats and jackets. Situated in the heart of Paris it wasn’t long before the shop went out of business and Chanel was asked to surrender her properties. This did not discourage Chanel; it only made her more determined. During the pre-war era, Chanel met up with an estranged and former best friend of Étienne Balsan, Arthur “Boy” Capel, with whom she soon fell in love. With his assistance, Chanel was able to acquire the property and financial backing to open her second millinery shop in Brittany. Her hats were worn by celebrated French actresses, which helped to establish her reputation. In 1913, Chanel introduced women’s sportswear at her new boutique in Deauville, in the Rue Gounaut-Biron; Marthe, Countess de Gounaut-Biron (daughter of American diplomat, John George Alexander Leishman), was Chanel’s first aristocratic client. Her third shop and successor to her biggest store in France was located in Deauville, where more women during the World War I era came to accept her view that women were supposed to dress for themselves and not their men.

Later in life, she concocted an elaborate false history for her humble beginnings. Chanel would steadfastly claim that when her mother died, her father sailed for America to get rich and she was sent to live with two cold-hearted spinster aunts. She even claimed to have been born in 1893 as opposed to 1883, and that her mother had died when Coco was two instead of twelve. All this was done to diminish the stigma that poverty, orphanhood, and illegitimacy bestowed upon unfortunates in nineteenth-century France.

In 1920, she was introduced by ballet empresario Sergei Diaghilev to world famous composer Igor Stravinsky (The Rite of Spring), to whom she extended an offer for him and his family to reside with her. During this temporary sojourn it was rumoured that they had an affair.

The Chanel empire

Main article: Chanel

In 1923, Coco Chanel said to Harper’s Bazaar that “Simplicity is the keynote of all true elegance.” Coco Chanel always kept the clothing she designed simple, comfortable and revealing. Unlike most designers in that Europe, she kept the woman inside the clothes at the center of her creations. “I gave women a sense of freedom; I gave them back their bodies: bodies that were drenched in sweat, due to fashion’s finery, lace, corsets, underclothes, padding.”^[3] She took what were considered poor fabrics like jersey and upgraded them. Chanel’s style is popularly associated with the image of the 1920s flapper, a “new breed” of self-confident young women that challenged the established concept of socially acceptable behavior. The flappers demonstrated their independence through new looks and attitude, such as short skirts and haircuts, openly using cosmetics, and being seen to smoke and drink cocktails. Compared to previous generations of women the flappers also showed an increased level of activity, pursuing athletic sports, driving their own automobiles, and going out to nightclubs where they could listen to jazz music and do energetic dances such as the Charleston.

The iconic Chanel jacket is a symbol of this design philosophy. A Chanel couture jacket has numerous design and construction details that distinguish it from a tailored jacket as traditionally constructed. For example, these jackets lack the complex inner structure of interfacings, pad stitching, and facings commonly used in bespoke tailoring. Rather, the silk lining is machine quilted directly to the fashion fabric, the long exterior seams of the fashion fabric are machine sewn, then the shoulder fashion fabric seams are hand sewn. The interior lining seams and the outside edges of the lining are turned under and hand stitched to the edge of the jacket. The three piece sleeve (another distinctive Chanel feature) is constructed in a similar manner, then hand sewn to the body of the jacket. The heavy trims, cast metal buttons and the curbed chain sewn to the hem have a functional purpose by adding weight to a garment that is really nothing more than fashion fabric and lining.^[4] The end result is a supremely comfortable garment, more like a sweater than a traditional jacket. Most of her fashions had a staying power, and didn’t change much from year to year—or even generation to generation.^[5]

Chanel came out with her first signature fragrance, Chanel No. 5, in 1921. The perfume was the first to have a designer’s name attached to it, and it has enjoyed tremendous success since its introduction. In this way, Chanel set the standard for successive designers to do the same.^[6]

Later years

In 1925, Vera Bate Lombardi, reputedly the illegitimate daughter of Adolphus Cambridge, 1st Marquess of Cambridge and Duke of Teck,^[7] became Chanel’s muse and public relations liaison to a number of European royal families. Lombardi had the highest connections possible to build the House of Chanel. Chanel established the English look based upon Lombardi’s persona and Lombardi introduced Chanel to her uncle the Duke of Westminster, her cousin the Duke of Windsor, and many other aristocratic families for Chanel’s creative, romantic, financial, social and political rise to power.^[8]

In 1939, at the beginning of World War II, the designer closed her shops. She believed that it was not a time for fashion.^{[citation needed]} She would live in the Hôtel Ritz Paris, on and off, and for more than 30 years, making the hotel her Paris home even during the Nazi occupation. During that time she was criticized for having an affair with Hans Gunther von Dincklage, a German officer and Nazi spy who arranged for her to remain in the hotel.^[2][9] She also maintained an apartment above her couture house at 31, rue Cambon and built Villa La Pausa in Roquebrune on the French Riviera.

In 1943 after 4 years of professional separation, Chanel sought collaboration with Lombardi in Rome to access Lombardi’s relative Sir Winston Churchill in the Walter Schellenberg Nazi plot “Operation Modellhut” under the guise of requesting Lombardi return to work for the House of Chanel in Paris.^[8][10] When Vera refused to comply with Chanel’s request to come to Paris, she was arrested as an English spy and thrown into a Roman prison by the Gestapo. The true motives of Chanel’s invitation to Lombardi, which later became purposely diverted by Chanel in a trip to the Ritz Hotel in Madrid, Spain, was that Chanel wanted Lombardi to contact Churchill in order for him to see Chanel. Chanel was later arrested for war crimes, but prevented from being taken to trial through the British Royal family’s intervention.^[8]

In 1945, she moved to Switzerland, eventually returning to Paris in 1954, the year she also returned to the fashion world. Her new collection did not have much success with the Parisians because of her relationship with the Nazi spy; however, it was much applauded by the British and Americans, who became her faithful customers.^[11]

Death

Coco Chanel died of a heart attack in her private suite at the Hôtel Ritz Paris on 10 January 1971, at the age of 87. She was buried in Lausanne, Switzerland and her tombstone is carved with lion heads representing her birth sign, Leo. ^[12]

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3 Steps to the Freedom from the Painful Past

Are your thoughts holding your happiness by taking you to the painful past ? Is your mind cluttered with thoughts of career that you wanted but never pursued? Or things you wish you had said ? All these regrets can hold you hostage from living the life of your dream.

Have you ever felt finding hard to focus on task at hand when all of sudden that dreaded tooth pain constantly consumed all your energy ?Emotional trauma can often cause pain more severe. So go back and deal with them to free you thoughts from painful captivity.

Think of all the things that you feel unhappy about but rather than beating yourself, take action. I’ve been using a method that has helped me remove thought clutter and allowed to move on with my life. I have learned to control these thoughts that bring pain rather than be controlled by them. How do I do it ? I have three steps to clear the decks.

1. Write them down: I’ve learned that best approach to deal with the bull is to look straight in its eyes and not step back until I win. I write down what causes me most emotional pain.

• Things I want to learn but haven’t learned: I always wanted to learn golf because I’ve felt that game of golf is great for networking but it is hard for me to find time for it.
• Feelings I have but have not expressed: Hidden feelings can consume all your energy and leave you feeble to deal with the present opportunities. I’ve always felt unexpressed pain of death of my brother who died over thirty years ago.
• Things I wanted to enjoy but I haven’t: I always wanted to take my family on a world tour before my daughters go away to college.

2. Rank them: Idea of writing what haunts you is to detach emotion that caused the pain in the first place. When I write this list, I wanted to add a note to write “What will happen if I won’t deal with this ?”, I allow my mind to release worries and enable it to focus on what is important for the present moment. I ranked “Things I wanted to enjoy but I haven’t” highest for the fact that in few years my daughters will enter college and thereafter pursue career so it is crucial for me to consider these years that I have with them to make them memorable for the rest of my life. You may have entirely different list and different set of priorities based on the current circumstances. Significance of this step is in relating the past with the priorities of the present and judge importance of the past solely based on a rational rather than emotional friction. I remove items that have no bearing on the present and remaining list gets ranked between 1 and 10 for the sake of priority. This is powerful since it converts these painful thoughts into enabler goals that I feel motivated and passionate about. Write down details of the effects of taking action on a specific incomplete item so that you can visualize the benefit of taking action. For example, I wrote down that by going back to bed early, I can wake up with greater energy.The list can go on and on until you can’t think of thoughts that are haunting you. Writing these emotions is akin to a doctor asking you to explain in writing what is that you wanted him/her to treat and any history related to it.

3. Do It Now: You have won half of the battle by taking control of this list which once controlled your thoughts. That itself is an achievement. Hang the list with priority and importance on your work desk or bathroom door so that you can see it daily. Last but not least step is to associate completion date. I’ve learned that importance of writing targeted completion date is to prepare thoughts of purging emotions that once caused grief and despair. What I’ve become through this journey is the champion of worries that kept me from living in the present moments. I created wholeness within me. I choose for my mind to dwell on courage to confront pain and convert that into an opportunity.

Law of Attraction and My Painful Past

When I allow my mind to engage in thoughts that bring emotional pain, I conform to Law of Attraction by attracting more of what I do not want. I, instead, want to manifest positive thoughts of taking action by dealing with what causes me pain. Soon, I start to put Law of Attraction to work again but this time to attract more of what I want. It all happens without my conscious awareness yet I start feeling the result through burst of positive feelings that show in my attitude, in my relationship and with everyone who comes in contact with me. So why on this earth I ever wanted to be held hostage by the painful past and not have courage and determination to confront it today ? May be it was fear of failure that attracted thoughts of procrastination and then self pity but by confronting things that I have not completed in the past, and by making conscious decision to either take them on or not, I have become a man of my own.

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.
-Theodore Roosevelt

Dealing with Depression

(article from helpguide.org)

 

 

Depression drains your energy, hope, and drive, making it difficult to do what you need to feel better. But while overcoming depression isn’t quick or easy, it’s far from impossible. You can’t beat it through sheer willpower, but you do have some control—even if your depression is severe and stubbornly persistent. The key to depression recovery is to start small and build from there. Feeling better takes time, but you can get there if you make positive choices for yourself each day and draw on the support of others.

IN THIS ARTICLE:

• The road to recovery
• Supportive relationships
• Taking care of yourself
• Exercise
• Healthy diet
• Negative thinking
• Getting additional help
• Related links

The road to depression recovery

Recovering from depression requires action. But taking action when you’re depressed is hard. In fact, just thinking about the things you should do to feel better, like exercising or going out with friends, can be exhausting.

It’s the Catch-22 of depression recovery. The things that help the most are the things that are most difficult to do. But there’s a difference between difficult and impossible.

Start small and stay focused

The key to depression recovery is to start with a few small goals and slowly build from there. Draw upon whatever resources you have. You may not have much energy, but you probably have enough to take a short walk around the block or pick up the phone to call a loved one.

Take things day by day and reward yourself for each accomplishment. The steps may seem small, but if you make time for them each day, they’ll quickly add up. And for all the energy you put in to your depression recovery, you’ll get back much more in return.

Depression self-help tip 1: Cultivate supportive relationships

Getting the support you need plays a big role in lifting the fog of depression and keeping it away. On your own, it can be difficult to maintain perspective and sustain the effort required to beat depression. But the very nature of depression makes it difficult to reach out for help. However, isolation and loneliness make depression even worse, so maintaining your close relationships and social activities are important.

The thought of reaching out to even close family members and friends can seem overwhelming. You may feel ashamed, too exhausted to talk, or guilty for neglecting the relationship. Remind yourself that this is the depression talking. You loved ones care about you and want to help.

• Turn to trusted friends and family members. Share what you’re going through with the people you love and trust. Ask for the help and support you need. You may have retreated from your most treasured relationships, but they can get you through this tough time.
• Try to keep up with social activities even if you don’t feel like it. When you’re depressed, it feels more comfortable to retreat into your shell. But being around other people will make you feel less depressed.
• Join a support group for depression. Being with others who are dealing with depression can go a long way in reducing your sense of isolation. You can also encourage each other, give and receive advice on how to cope, and share your experiences. To locate a depression support group in your area, use the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance’s Support Group Locator.

10 tips for reaching out and building relationships

Talk to one person about your feelings. Help someone else by volunteering. Have lunch or coffee with a friend. Ask a loved one to check in with you regularly. Accompany someone to the movies, a concert, or a small get-together.

Call or email an old friend. Go for a walk with a workout buddy. Schedule a weekly dinner date Meet new people by taking a class or joining a club. Confide in a counselor, therapist, or clergy member.

Depression self-help tip 2: Take care of yourself

In order to overcome depression, you have to nurture yourself. This includes making time for things you enjoy, asking for help from others, setting limits on what you’re able to do, adopting healthy habits, and scheduling fun activities into your day.

Do things you enjoy (or used to)

While you can’t force yourself to have fun or experience pleasure, you can choose to do things that you used to enjoy. Pick up a former hobby or a sport you used to like. Express yourself creatively through music, art, or writing. Go out with friends. Take a day trip to a museum, the mountains, or the ballpark.

Develop a wellness toolbox

Come up with a list of things that you can do for a quick mood boost. Include any strategies, activities, or skills that have helped in the past. The more “tools” for coping with depression, the better. Try and implement a few of these ideas each day, even if you’re feeling good.

Spend some time in nature. List what you like about yourself. Read a good book. Watch a funny movie or TV show. Take a long, hot bath.

Listen to music. Take care of a few small tasks. Play with a pet. Write in your journal. Do something spontaneous.

Push yourself to do things, even when you don’t feel like it. You might be surprised at how much better you feel once you’re out in the world. Even if your depression doesn’t lift immediately, you’ll gradually feel more upbeat and energetic as you make time for fun activities.

Adopt healthy lifestyle habits

• Aim for 8 hours of sleep. Depression typically involves sleep problems. Whether you’re sleeping too little or too much, your mood suffers. Get on a better sleep schedule by learning healthy sleep habits.  
• Expose yourself to a little sunlight every day. Lack of sunlight can make depression worse. Make sure you’re getting enough. Take a short walk outdoors, have your coffee outside, enjoy an al fresco meal, people-watch on a park bench, or sit out in the garden.  
• Practice relaxation techniques. A daily relaxation practice can help relieve symptoms of depression, reduce stress, and boost feelings of joy and well-being. Try yoga, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation.

Fight depression by managing stress

Not only does stress prolong and worsen depression, but it can also trigger it. In order to get over depression and stay well, it’s essential to learn how to minimize and cope with stress.

• Identify your stressors. Figure out all the things in your life that are stressing you out. Examples include: work overload, unsupportive relationships, substance abuse, taking on too much, or health problems. Once you’ve identified your stressors, you can make a plan to avoid them or minimize their impact.
• Go easy on yourself. Many depressed people are perfectionists, holding themselves to impossibly high standards and then beating themselves up when they fail to meet them. Battle this source of self-imposed stress by challenging your negative ways of thinking.
• Plan ahead. If you know your stress triggers and limits, you will be able to identify and avoid many landmines. If you sense trouble ahead, protect yourself by dipping into your wellness toolbox and saying “no” to added responsibility.

Depression self-help tip 3: Get regular exercise

When you’re depressed, exercising may be the last thing you feel like doing. But exercise is a powerful tool for dealing with depression. In fact, studies show that regular exercise can be as effective as antidepressant medication at increasing energy levels and decreasing feelings of fatigue.

Scientists haven’t figured out exactly why exercise is such a potent antidepressant, but evidence suggests that physical activity increases mood-enhancing neurotransmitters in the brain, raises endorphins, reduces stress, and relieves muscle tension – all things that can have a positive effect on depression.

To get the most benefit, aim for 30 minutes of exercise per day. But you can start small. Short 10-minute bursts of activity can have a positive effect on your mood. Here are a few easy ways to get moving:

• Take the stairs rather than the elevator
• Park your car in the farthest spot in the lot
• Take your dog for a walk
• Pair up with an exercise partner
• Walk while you’re talking on the phone

As a next step, try incorporating walks or some other enjoyable, easy form of exercise into your daily routine. The key is to pick an activity you enjoy, so you’re more likely to keep up with it.

Exercise as an Antidepressant

The following exercise tips offer a powerful prescription for boosting mood:

• Exercise now…and again.  A 10-minute walk can improve your mood for two hours.  The key to sustaining mood benefits is to exercise regularly.
• Choose activities that are moderately intense. Aerobic exercise undoubtedly has mental health benefits, but you don’t need to sweat strenuously to see results.
• Find exercises that are continuous and rhythmic (rather than intermittent). Walking, swimming, dancing, stationery biking, and yoga are good choices.
• Add a mind-body element. Activities such as yoga and tai chi rest your mind and pump up your energy. You can also add a meditative element to walking or swimming by repeating a mantra (a word or phrase) as you move.
• Start slowly, and don’t overdo it. More isn’t better. Athletes who over train find their moods drop rather than lift.

Adapted from Johns Hopkins Health Alerts

For more exercise tips, read Exercise for Exercise Haters: Finding Ways to Tolerate (or Even Enjoy) Exercise.

Depression self-help tip 4: Eat a healthy, mood-boosting diet

What you eat has a direct impact on the way you feel. Aim for a balanced diet of protein, complex carbohydrates, fruits and vegetables.

• Don’t neglect breakfast. A solid breakfast provides energy for the day.
• Don’t skip meals. Going too long between meals can make you feel irritable and tired, so aim to eat something at least every 3-4 hours.
• Minimize sugar and refined carbs. You may crave sugary snacks, baked goods, or comfort foods such as pasta or french fries. But these “feel-good” foods quickly lead to a crash in mood and energy.
• Focus on complex carbohydrates. Foods such as baked potatoes, whole-wheat pasta, brown rice, oatmeal, whole grain breads, and bananas can boost serotonin levels without a crash.
• Boost your B vitamins. Deficiencies in B vitamins such as folic acid and B-12 can trigger depression. To get more, take a B-complex vitamin supplement or eat more citrus fruit, leafy greens, beans, chicken, and eggs.
• Consider taking a chromium supplement – Some depression studies show that chromium picolinate reduces carbohydrate cravings, eases mood swings, and boosts energy. Supplementing with chromium picolinate is especially effective for people who tend to overeat and oversleep when depressed. Aim for 600 mcg per day.
• Practice mindful eating. Slow down and pay attention to the full experience of eating. Enjoy the taste of your food

Omega-3 fatty acids play an essential role in stabilizing mood.

• Foods rich in certain omega-3 fats called EPA and DHA can give your mood a big boost. The best sources are fatty fish such salmon, herring, mackerel, anchovies, sardines, and some cold water fish oil supplements.  Canned albacore tuna and lake trout can also be good sources depending on how the fish were raised and processed.
• You may hear a lot about getting your omega-3’s from foods rich in ALA fatty acids. Main sources are vegetable oils and nuts (especially walnuts), flax, soybeans, and tofu. Be aware that our bodies generally convert very little ALA into EPA and DHA, so you may not as big of a benefit.
• Some people avoid seafood because they worry about mercury or other possible toxins. But most experts agree that the benefits of eating 2 servings a week of cold water fatty fish outweigh the risks.

Depression self-help tip 5: Challenge negative thinking

Depression puts a negative spin on everything, including the way you see yourself, the situations you encounter, and your expectations for the future.

But you can’t break out of this pessimistic mind frame by “just thinking positive.” Happy thoughts or wishful thinking won’t cut it. Rather, the trick is to replace negative thoughts with more balanced thoughts.

Ways to challenge negative thinking:

• Think outside yourself. Ask yourself if you’d say what you’re thinking about yourself to someone else. If not, stop being so hard on yourself. Think about less harsh statements that offer more realistic descriptions.
• Keep a “negative thought log”. Whenever you experience a negative thought, jot down the thought and what triggered it in a notebook. Review your log when you’re in a good mood. Consider if the negativity was truly warranted. For a second opinion, you can also ask a friend or therapist to go over your log with you.
• Replace negatives with positives. Review your negative thought log. Then, for each negative thought, write down something positive. For instance, “My boss hates me. She gave me this difficult report to complete” could be replaced with, “My boss must have a lot of faith in me to give me so much responsibility.”
• Socialize with positive people. Notice how people who always look on the bright side deal with challenges, even minor ones, like not being able to find a parking space. Then consider how you would react in the same situation. Even if you have to pretend, try to adopt their optimism and persistence in the face of difficulty.

Depression self-help tip 6: Know when to get additional help

If you find your depression getting worse and worse, seek professional help. Needing additional help doesn’t mean you’re weak. Sometimes the negative thinking in depression can make you feel like you’re a lost cause, but depression can be treated and you can feel better!

There are many effective treatment options for depression. To learn about them, see Depression Treatment and Therapy.

Don’t forget about these self-help tips, though. Even if you’re receiving professional help, these tips can be part of your treatment plan, speeding your recovery and preventing depression from returning.

Survival of a Broken Heart: A How-To Guide

The inescapable truth of break ups and divorces is the broken heart they can leave behind and the effect it has on the life you’re trying to live. Ever tried to focus on a spreadsheet when someone you love just walked out on you? Perhaps you’re the exact opposite – you can’t step outside of your work because what’s waiting for you is a shattered mess called your life and it isn’t exactly going to clean itself up.

The magnitude of heart break is inexplicable when you are the one experiencing it. Often times, as the resilient beings that we are, we adapt – somehow – to the changes they bring. The adaptation may be clunky and awkward sometimes but we do the best we can the best way we know how.

I want to bring you a bit of the know how.

Will it bring your better days with that person back? Not likely.

But here are some of the intentions of this piece and hopefully the suggestions provided prove to be useful to you:

- That “Why” question

- A better handle on every day life when sudden depression hits

- How to live without him

- Feelings of abandonment and what to do with them

- The difference between trying again and a never ending cycle

- Will you ever love again?

- What to do while you do your emotional work

I’ll make the rash assumption that this parting was ugly in my attempt to address some of the extreme feelings (and their derivatives) and what to do with them.

The general scope of this piece won’t allow me to address the reason for a break-up because of the vast range of possibilities however the most common reasons that come to mind include infidelity, money matters, distance, and abandonment.

The “Why” of a break-up is important to both individuals because
a) the person left behind often seeks validation or tries to find a method to the madness. Without understanding what happened, a new chip has been born for the shoulder and theories – from reasonable to wild – can affect many aspects in his/her life
b) the person who left has his/her reasons but reasons left undefined are probably more serious than one might care to admit.

Now here’s the problem. What if you’re the one who doesn’t know the why? You know – your partner left, is being vague, or is blaming things you KNOW does not merit the termination of a serious relationship. The madness can begin with trying to figure it out, continue with demanding an explanation you feel you deserve without any success, and end with … not ending because you can’t let it go. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to get the answers they’re looking for and when that “not everyone” includes you, you’re amongst those who have to make do with what you’ve got: yourself and your memories. From another perspective, even if your partner were to mumble something along the lines of “It’s not your fault.. she’s just better for me”, not only will you not feel better, you will probably still feel a great dissatisfaction with the reply. So the answer to “why” may not come from the source you expect it to. Harping on the “why” may not make you feel better at the end of the day.

I’m going to suggest something I mentioned in the piece Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back; Acceptance plays a major role in your recovery from a break up. When I speak of acceptance, I don’t mean that your devastating circumstances don’t matter. What I mean is recognizing that the situation cannot be changed and not utilizing that fact to punish yourself. When I speak of acceptance, I mean employing the practice of forgiveness. Forgiveness requires finding peace with a wrong that has been done to you. When you accept and respect your former partner’s personal decision to continue a relationship, you are preventing the iron-grip strong reigns of resentment from preventing you to rise above this heartbreak. If someone really intends to leave, attempts to the contrary tap into that person’s guilt – not a genuine desire to stay. A panicked you might say “So? Who cares- at least he’s here” but the rest of you will surely suffer the often short stay thereafter.

You will also find that often times, when your mind is preoccupied on how to “fix” the situation, you are simply not accepting what has happened. When you’ve invested love and time into someone, the last thing you’re thinking of is letting someone walk out. The thing is if you are able to step back for a moment and look at the mess that lies before you, how does that resistance rectify anything? It doesn’t – but it sure contributes to feelings of stress, anxiety, heart ache, anger, and resentment. These feelings won’t remain exclusive to what has happened and will sure seep into the other (still) important aspects of your life.

To accept this misfortune is strength – not weakness – on your part. You’re giving yourself permission to live with peace that resentment can never buy. With acceptance, you are well on your way to a new day.

I Think I’m Depressed

There’s sad, and there’s dragging-through-the-mud-and-can’t-get-up lows that last for an unknown amount of time. The problem with such intensity is it comes with the desire to isolate yourself, disinterest in things that you used to love, a decrease in your willingness to take care of yourself, etc. Your mind may be deeply preoccupied with thoughts of inadequacy and rejection and while you’re going through this – it really doesn’t matter how steep divorce rates are or how “typical” break ups can be. Your world has ended until further notice and until you know how to jolt it back to life, the cliches can continue making headlines or slip out of the lips of typical conversation about “people”.

If you suspect severity (clinical depression) in your sadness, I can’t encourage you enough to seek a mental health counselor. I am well aware of the stigma that comes with speaking to a professional or the matching price tag however mental health – the big word here is health. When your mind is suffering to the point of a decrease in normal functioning for a prolonged period of time, you are simply not well. The end of a serious relationship is a loss of sorts and ought to be treated as such. Instead of comparing yourself to who you assume is “well-adjusted”, try to remember that you are your primary responsibility and you owe it to yourself to care of you – even if you feel, today, that it simply doesn’t matter. If you have the financial means, marvelous. If you are covered through health insurance at work/school – I’m excited for you. If you don’t know if you’re covered, I encourage you to check because yes, mental health is something that is taken into account. (What good is it if you’re heart is beating fine if you have no interest in preserving your own health?). Then there’s the free stuff for those who are fortunate enough to have such programs around. Wield the power of google and search for free/low cost community counselors. There are different programs for this very reason.

If you simply can’t or won’t see someone, at least arm yourself with the goods available to you both on and offline. There are myriads of information out there -

However if right now, all you need is a tip or two to get through your day – try these on for size.

- One Day At a Time – and I do mean just one: Your goal is to get through today in mostly one piece. If you must operate through your tasks 70% instead of 100% – do so because not everyone will have the luxury of opting out. Every day, you win by showing up for life and when you hurt like this, this is no small feat.

- Tender, Tender: I take it you’re in enough pain. Cease the artillery – if you messed up on an ordinary task, ok. If you are more absent-minded than usual, ok. If you find yourself needing to release emotions like angeror sadness, ok. If you tackle each task or feeling with care instead of attacking yourself for “feeling this way because he was dead wrong and doesn’t deserve your tears”, you will find that you are alot more at peace with yourself than you are in the faux-strength of denial.

- Read this undeniably useful list of tips

How Do I Live Without You…

It’s the question you never really wanted to have to learn face. Makes for a great song title but the question actually has an answer. I know that if you’re reading this portion of this posting extra carefully, you’re probably gripped in a very real fear. Perhaps you have it ingrained in you that your very survival depends on your former partner/spouse. Perhaps you depended on your partner financially. Without that partner, the house you consider home is now gone, etc. So not only are you suffering emotionally, you have your basic needs being threatened. The beauty of a strengthened mindset – even in small increments per day – is the magnitude of changes that can and will happen for you once you wield it.

It doesn’t matter what the new deficiency is in your life – you ultimately have two choices. The bottom line states that you either allow the circumstances dictate how you live or you wield your right to dictate your circumstances. Know this- people are remarkable and out there, not only is there someone who has been in your heels, there is someone who can help you figure out what to do next. Take solace – no – JOY in the fact that your intent will bring rise to new opportunities and possibilities. When you intend to enjoy your life and to make the most of what you’ve got, you’re holding on to gratitude and releasing the chains of resentment. Imagine how different the world looks when you are basking in gratitude for what you do have, for every small action that presents to you a better day, and for every act of kindness directed towards you. When you’re paying attention, each of these things are like little booster shots that increase your morale and help you feel even more capable.

How do you live without the person you are no longer with? You just decide that you do. There is no magic in this solution but there is such power behind such a decision. The power comes from the fact that yes – it’s HARD to be without him. Yes, it’s PAINFUL that it’s over. But yes – life DOES go on for you and it can be damn good. It’s the process of adapting this mindset that is so freeing and here’s why. When you’ve seen/experienced such pain, the light on the other side shines that much brighter.. It’s the other side that you – at one point – never thought you’d arrive to. So when you do, you feel life.

When you decide to live without the person you are no longer with, you have a brand new opportunity to experience a new aspect of life. It’s back to thinking for just you. It’s back to figuring out how to stand your own company and eventually enjoy it. Sometimes it’s NOT back – sometimes it’s the first time!

I want to suggest a very powerful book that I’ve read and think will be of major use for you if this is where you stand right now. Author Florence Falk wrote the book On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alonewhich comes to mind as I write this because it resonates so deeply with the road to self discovery after a loss of all types. It is even something that can be read by a woman who is currently in a relationship. The purpose of this book is to bring a presence of mind – and arms you with deeply inspiring writings on overcoming the odds and really finding yourself – devastation or not. Since self discovery doesn’t have to wait until a major life disaster, I encourage you to check it out and/or tell a friend. You might want to also check out www.FlorenceFalk.comfor more insight on the author, her purpose, and her book.

Tales of Abandonment

Another post break up complication is the abandonment issues it can instill. The parting doesn’t have to be the stuff prime-time is made of to create the craters in your heart although, for many, it does get that dramatic. Even if he didn’t disappear on you in the middle of the night and run off with someone, the abandonment may feel very present based on the premise that the two of you had an honored connection and it was broken for whatever reason. The reciprocation of giving it your all was only returned in the form of giving yourall back in a box…maybe poorly gift-wrapped in sheer insult at that. So what are you supposed to do with that?

Here’s what’s going on. You’re suffering feelings of abandonment due to a form of rejection. To be rejected is difficult particularly by someone who, at one point, felt that you were more than enough. Why would he change his mind? What happened? “What’s wrong with me?” Those are the questions..rejection can really damage your self-esteem. It’s so painful that often times, some people seek to abandon ship before their partners do to avoid feeling that rejection when they strongly feel an end draws near. As the recipient of such actions, there are several things that you are going to face but amongst them all so I want to spotlight the aspect that I think is most important.

You can seem like you’re “over it” relatively quickly. New pumps and a hair do and you’re good to go. If someone new came into your life, he would be none the wiser and in all fairness, if you’re not conscious of your feelings – then neither are you. But whether that day comes sooner or later, if you’ve never dealt with what those feelings of rejection has done to your self esteem, you will find yourself rehashing old fears in your new life. You may find yourself in a repetitive cycle of running or worst yet – not giving someone a chance to love you. This is exactly the kind of thing I had in mind in the article Overcoming Self Sabotage. It would behoove you to avoid dealing with the abandonment issues this has created or compounded to. When you have a real grip on what’s going on in your heart and mind, you understand and respect the fact that something or someone has hurt you. You make it your business to avoid overgeneralizing. For example, your partner slammed the door and never came back. Yes – that was pretty horrible but you are working on understanding that a) Your partner’s actions are represent him..not you and b) just because he did that doesn’t mean you ooze Reject Me out of your pores. You don’t have to worry that when you go to work in the morning, your boss won’t run the opposite way, screaming bloody murder. This is the beauty of working on yourself – when you know that you emit the best of you, and you are confident in the wonderfulness that is you (not faux – I’m better than you conceit – real, I’m happy to be alive to I’m living confidence) then you can be sure that despite the actions of this person who is now part of your past, you are not “destined” to be abandoned by all who come to know you.

In the meantime, you are weathering something that is traumatic. It just is. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all go away for you – I really do. But since I can’t, I encourage you to realize that even by reading this article, you are getting a grip of your very own. You are holding on – so the important this is you don’t abandon your own cause, your own life and trust me when I say, it will come together.

To Do – Or Not To Do: Trying Again

Tricky stuff, I’ll admit. Your vision is either clouded with the desperate desire to go back to the way things were or it is greatly improved with a pristine new clarity that will have the two of you running amongst daisy filled fields with afternoons and sun and laughter.

You see, when your vision is clouded, the latter is what you think you’re seeing when, for instance, a call from your ex comes in and he’s wanting to see you something fierce. You think to yourself that clearly your besotted lad has FINALLY come to his senses- that perhaps seeing the world for what it is made him miss you and it will all be better.

You KNOW you’re a good partner, so the change will definitely come now that he has seen the light right?

Well, for alot of people – familiarity is home. When the fast new life of that much desired freedom doesn’t have any familiar grounds to offer some warmth, it’s just easier to come home. Sometimes you/he will simply miss things – completely forgetting the magnitude of what has happened.

Issues that have not been worked on and resolved always come back. Always. Why? Because they are the roots of the weeds in your relationships and like magic- they grow into unavoidable sycamore trees that block direct communication. You may be excited because you remember what USED to be there.. but if both partners are not willing to shoulder the work to cut that tree down.. well.. it won’t be pretty.

At some point, a certain resolve needs to come to play. This isn’t to exercise stubbornness but rather to strengthen your sense of meaning in your own life. You can’t predict if someone you love will change but you can decide what you will and will not accept. It is up to you to say enough when abuse, cheating, or disrespect have to stop. The momentary pleasure of a one-night reunion does not trump your need for self respect. ESPECIALLY when you are noticing a pattern – sexually or emotionally – you owe to yourself to ask the question “Am I working towards my recovery or am I stunting my own growth? Is this honestly good for me or does it just feel good for a moment and I just can’t let go”

We all know what we “should” be doing. We should be keeping healthy, we should be kind to others, we should call our moms. This is one of those instances where the should is strong and imminent. May a trip down memory lane via past journal entries will remind you of the magnitude of your misery during the end. Is it worth it – to go back or are you fooling yourself? If it isn’t for you, how much more will this take out of you?

Clearly, this is something only you can answer but seriously, try to answer it for yourself – not leave it in the air while that phone call/text/him-showing-up-at-the-door-looking-unreasonably-good moment happens.

Seeing with true clarity respects your holistic sense of self – not feed into the temporary, albeit seemingly huge season of desperation, loneliness, and sadness. You may be trying to stifle the effects of those feelings of abandonment.. but they will still be there. It may seem like it.. but he can’t fix them for you – what’s done, is done. It’s your call from here on out.

Love…Again

So what do you say- will you ever love again? You hold a hand in that answer depending on what you decide to attract into your every day life. Even if you attract men like bees into honey, think about this. Will you allow resentment to build exponentially and prevent you from appreciating kind gestures? Will you allow your fear of more abandonment prevent you from allowing a relationship to exist (because damn him if he too crushes that sweet heart of yours?)

Maybe you can’t see it today but one of the greatest beauties in life is the ability to have love. From a new partner, from family, from friends, from even strangers. Don’t prevent access from any of these sources by living in your past defined by the actions of your ex. I know how hard it can be to let go *insert scoff of familiarity* but it’s when you pry your fingers from the grips of your last relationship that you realize “Wow..he had power over me long after he was gone!” “Whoa – I think I feel better today!” “Wait. You mean .. there are .. other men out there? For me? Seriously?”

Laugh if you will but when your End All Be All has ended it, you sort of forget that chemistry, companionship, and joy can come from elsewhere. The key is to remember not to latch your dependence for happiness from that last relationship into a possible new one. If you depend on someone else to make you feel worthwhile, you will always be disappointed because even angels have their days of rest.

You can and will love again if you really want to. Even if you aren’t ready for any of that, take that sweet FYI and tuck it away someplace safe an accessible. One day, when you feel better, remembering that will help open the gates to new possibilities.

In the Meantime

For all that deep stuff you are going to have to deal with, there’s the every day life to exist in. Make sure you don’t isolate yourself. Isolation is extremely attractive when you are not trying to hear other people’s inputs, observations, unsolicited advice, or perhaps even expectations that you ought to be “over it” by now. Trust in your solid support system. Even if you need a time out from them, chatting with a new friend or getting involved in your community somehow allows you to input your energies in things other than the self loathing. Do things you enjoy. This is your opportunity to do things you couldn’t! Come on – sure you loved him and Fido but he really wasn’t keen of your plans for trips to.. wherever. This is your chance to recruit those who would absolutely love your company and revel in the fact that everyone is having an amazing time and really enjoying your presence. Not only will doing this continually will challenge your thoughts on “Am I a person someone would love to be around” and abandonment, it just feels good to be appreciated. Two more points for you if you decide to help someone else feel appreciated. The charges that good will can spark off between people are such healing, life enhancing moments.

You know what ELSE is extremely attractive? The legal crack that is junk food. Unlimited portions of sweet/salty – whatever your vice may be. Both Ben and Jerry will love you as long as you will let them. Of course – live a little. However, don’t let yourself go. Sloth is a leech of an animal that just feeds itself and drains you of all will to do anything. Nurture that body of yours. You are already dealing with an emotional beating..take care of the vessel that has to house it all. When you feel good, it just helps your heart feel good. It helps you clear your mind. You don’t have to loathe getting up every morning because you don’t feel well physically as well as emotionally. Remember, it’s not all in your head- heart break has a huge impact on your entire being. So give yourself that special treatment and take care of every inch of the goodness that is you. You get to have that. Eventually, when you begin to feel as attractive as you already are again – because you cared about yourself enough to take care of you.

Last but not least, if you are a person of faith – or even flirt with the concept – utilize it to carry you through the things you just cannot understand. Since all the answers are not always there, written on the wall for you to scrutinize, sometimes you are just going to need something bigger than you to help you transcend the technicalities that you can’t let go. You will need a source of strength available to you for both the deep stuff and the every day stuff you go through as you begin to learn and shift your mindset. When ambivalence threatens to rob you of the gains you were meant to make with your growth, you faith and beliefs fill in the blanks and give you something no posting, book, logical or anything can ever give you – and that’s that fuel to push you through. Sometimes, words won’t help you – but that connection will – amazingly so. When you’ve got nothing left to lose, what does it hurt you to look up and realize that this was an option all along? Let that connection work its way in your life – and allow it to strengthen you for the better through the worst.

I close this post with (( hugs )) of support. You can do this and live to tell about it. Happily at that.

I wish you a very real happiness and access to the unlimited source of personal strength and wellness available to you. Regardless of what you ex does or doesn’t see – all that matters is what you know and what you live by from now on.

5 Dating Deal Breakers for Men

(article from eharmony)
5 Dating Deal Breakers for Men
There are certain traits that’ll have men running straight for the hills, not the altar. Get clued into these dating deal breakers.

She Doesn’t Have her own Life

One of the best things about a relationship is being able to have a built-in best friend. Your partner is the person you can spend a lazy Sunday with or your big Friday night out. However, be sure to keep the relationships with your own group of friends intact. Men want a woman who’s not only willing but wants to have a girl’s night out. It’s attractive for a woman to have her own hobbies and interests. The time apart only reminds him of just how great you are.

Bad Habits

Whether you are a smoker, or constantly the sloppy drunk at the bar, it’s clear your vices could be a deal breaker for a potential mate. Sure, the party was great but while you were getting inebriated he was busy being embarrassed or talking to someone who wasn’t slurring her words. Besides the obvious vices, some men say bad habits like poor hygiene or being very messy are also a turn off. Just think, would you want to date someone with bad breath or a dirty bathroom?

She Doesn’t Tell the Truth

“No one wants to date a liar and trust is the hardest thing to rebuild in a relationship,” says Bay Area-based executive Brian Hauptman. Lying just proves to your potential suitor that you aren’t really interested in a relationship because with Internet search engines and social networking sites it’s simple to do a quick check to see if your story is true. Before lying to your date about your age, career or education just think that if the relationship does work out he is eventually going to find out what your birth date is, where you’re employed or your alma mater—and that’s going to be an awkward conversation to have.

She isn’t Confident

“I hate girls that are always down on themselves,” says Los Angeles-based photographer Todd MacMillan. Women who don’t deal with their personal insecurities before meeting Mr. Right are only setting themselves up for a potential deal breaker. It’s normal to have a bad day but constantly being negative about your body or looks only brings attention to your flaws—real or perceived—and makes you come off bitter and negative, traits that are never attractive. Just like women, men are looking for a mate who is self-assured.

Cheating (the Ultimate Deal Breaker)

Most men will say cheating gives them carte blanche to call off the relationship. As one of the biggest deal breakers, there are not many second chances when it comes to cheating because it’s setting the person up for another bout of infidelity.

Depression

(Something that I ripped from a friend’s blog)

Depression – What is it?

Depression is a condition that can take many forms, from the short lived feelings of sadness that most of us suffer in response to disappointments of everyday life, right up to severe depressive disorders which require treatment. At any one time over 400,000 people in Ireland experience depression.

A depressive illness is an overwhelming feeling which dulls thinking, impairs concentration, saps energy, interest in food, sex, work and everyday activities and disrupts sleep

Depression – How to Recognize It

The symptoms of DEPRESSION are as follows:

• F eeling – depressed, sad, anxious or bored

• E nergy -tired, fatigued, everything an effort, slowed movements

• S leep – waking during the night or too early in the morning, oversleeping or trouble getting to sleep

• T hinking – slow thinking, poor concentration, forgetful or indecisive

• I nterest – loss of interest in food, work, sex and life seems dull

• V alue – reduced sense of self-worth, low self esteem or guilt

• A ches – headaches, chest or other pains without a physical basis

• L ive – not wanting to live, suicidal thoughts or thinking of death

If 5 or more of the above FESTIVAL (acronym) symptoms are present for more than 2 weeks, it probably is a depressive episode.

What Causes Depression?

Depression is frequently preceded by set-backs in life, such as bereavement, relationship or financial difficulties, problems at work or medical illness. We all react to loss with a sense of disappointment which in its impact can vary from mild to disabling. An inherited tendency towards depression is a major factor in determining how depressed a person will become following a loss.

Depression – The Different Types

• Reactive Depression: This is an extension of the normal upset feeling following an unhappy event in a person’s life, such as the death of a close relative or friend, marriage break-up or loss employment. Typically a sufferer will feel low, anxious and often will be angry or irritable. For some people reactive depression can follow even minor set-backs, as the individual’s personality leaves them particularly vulnerable to disappointments.

• Unipolar or Endogenous Depression: While this is primarily a biological or inherited condition, disappointment will often provoke its onset. The typical symptoms are those outlined in the Festival list of symptoms, where there is extreme tiredness, slowed thinking, impaired concentration, waking during the night and tending to feel worse in the early morning.

• Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depressive Illness: The symptoms of the depressed phase of bipolar disorder are identical to those of unipolar depression, but, in addition, there are also episodes of elation or mania with which the depression alternates. Although elation is usually considered a pleasurable experience, it often has a devastating effect on a person’s life. Its symptoms are as follows:

Bipolar Disorder – Symptoms of Elation

The symptoms of ELATION are:

• F eeling – elated, enthusiastic, excited, angry, irritable or depressed

• E nergy – great energy, ‘never felt as well’, over-talkative or over-active

• S leep – reduced need for sleep and marked difficulty in getting off to sleep

• T hinking – racing thoughts, pressure in the head, indecisive, jumping from one topic to another, poor concentration

• I nterest – increased interest in pleasurable activities, new adventures, sex, alcohol, street drugs, religion, music or art

• V alue – excessive and unrealistic belief in one’s ability, or having grandiose plans

• A ches – never tiring, being unaware of the physical symptoms of illness such as asthma, having muscle tension at the back of the head or round the shoulders

• L ive – thinking that one can live forever, taking reckless physical risks or, if angry or distressed, feeling suicidal

If 5 or more of the above symptoms are present for more than 2 weeks, it may be a manic episode, and professional medical advice must be sought.

If you are feeling depressed or elated or bipolar please see a doctor. Nothing to be shy about. It is common as we are living in a stressful environment.

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